


Solitude

by AmandaHawthorn



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-31
Updated: 2015-03-31
Packaged: 2018-03-20 13:58:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3653001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaHawthorn/pseuds/AmandaHawthorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Most days she could squash the ache that was always present inside her… most days she fought with her own grief, her own guilt… but today wasn’t like most days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Solitude

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Walking dead doesn’t belong to me unfortunately
> 
> A/N: This is my first time posting here and for this fandom. So I’m sort of dipping my toe in to test the waters! This is a Caryl story
> 
> Set anywhere during season 5
> 
> Thank you to Kelly for reading through this despite being a Bethyl shipper!

Most days she could squash the ache that was always present inside her… most days she fought with her own grief, her own guilt… but today wasn’t like most days. Today she had been gifted with a bunch of wild flowers from one of the old couple’s she cooked for and even though painful memories sprang from the simple gift she had accepted them with a false smile, clenching her teeth together, attempting to prevent the bile from rising in her throat. 

Memories of that fateful day plagued her thoughts and she couldn’t seem to shake them off. Everyone that had known about the darkness swirling inside her was dead…everyone with the exception of the baby that could have succumbed to the same fate as Mika if she and Tyreese hadn’t returned when they did… Carol was fighting her demons all on her own, trying and mostly failing to quash the pain that threatened to tear her apart every single day since.

The flowers had been the catalyst for the downwards spiral that was sucking all the strength from her today… the other was Judith, the beautiful little girl that she had vowed to protect. She had taken her first steps… and it was all too much. It was just another painful reminder that soon Judith wouldn’t need her protection…but Carol couldn’t shake the loss of not just Judith but that of Sophia, Mika and Lizzi too. The ache in her chest just seemed to be growing bigger and bigger until it became almost impossible to breathe.  


The sudden moisture in her eyes caused her to panic and she swallowed down the lump in her throat before it had a chance to take hold. She couldn’t let anyone see how much she was fighting her inner turmoil…they all had their own problems to deal with and she wouldn’t pile any more onto any of them.

She bowed her head as tears continued to sting her eyes. She couldn't do this anymore. No matter how many times she swallowed the lump in her throat, it came back with more force than the time before. Her eyes seemed to keep filling before she could blink the tears away. She tried to take a steadying breath but it only came out as a sob. Sudden horror roared through her body as she covered her mouth with her fingers before she hurried out of the kitchen hoping that none of the people in the other room had heard her.  


Every step seemed to take a lifetime but she struggled to keep the sobs from escaping… she couldn’t break… not yet…

This had been building for so long and she knew in her own mind that she couldn’t have contained it forever. All she needed was to get to her room and release the burden if only until she could regain her composure and plaster the fake smile back onto her face.

Since coming to Alexandria, she’d felt a little more of herself slip away as the memories of her lost girls lingered over her heart. She felt disconnected from everyone, even Daryl… and her heart ached for the closeness she had once shared with him. But since Beth’s death he had become distant and she didn’t know if he would ever allow her to reach him, to connect like they once had. Sadness engulfed her as she made her way up the flight of stairs that led to the top of the house and to the room she had chosen for herself.  


When she reached her door she could already feel the lump rising in her throat and the hot sting of tears encompass her. Stepping over the threshold and into the solace of her room, Carol took in a deep breath and only then in the safety of her own room, allowed the sadness to consume her body. 

Everyone had lost someone, but the secret she carried around inside her was like a lead weight that was pulling her further away from the family she had grown to love. She was so tired of hiding her grief when all she wanted to do was blurt it out. With Tyreese gone, the heaviness of her guilt swam around inside her, swirling in and out of her memories like some poisonous venom. She didn’t know how long she could keep up with this façade.

Closing the door behind her she moved towards the large window that dominated her room and perched on the windowsill to look out into the darkness. Moonlight highlighted her features, illuminating her sadness but in the sanctuary of these four walls she made no attempt to swipe the wetness away. One tear escaped to carve a wet track down her cheek only to be followed by another until she was overwhelmed by her grief. Every tear sparked another until she couldn’t prevent the dam from bursting any longer.

Small sobs coursed through her body as she wrapped her arms around her stomach and leant forward, her forehead pressing against the glass window as she tried to muffle the sounds that seemed to echo around her. Her knees seemed to buckle beneath her to send her sinking to the ground as she cried for her girls, for Daryl and for this whole damn world. 

She was so wrapped up in her grief that she didn't hear the soft knock or her door slowly opening, nor did she hear the soft footsteps behind her.

When a hand touched her shoulder her eyes sprang open and she hurriedly tried to wipe the wetness from her face and stop the soft hiccups that constricted her breath but she couldn't seem to stop the tears from spilling over. 

She felt herself being tugged backwards and into someone’s body, the heat seeping into her skin as she fought to regain some kind of control over her emotions.

“Don’t…”

His voice only sparked more tears to fall and she allowed herself to be engulfed in his arms. She should have known that if anyone knew that she wasn’t coping so well it would be him.

Daryl held onto her as her small frame continued to shudder with sobs that took him back in time to when Sophia had come out of that damned barn. He’d been so busy trying to deal with his own confused emotions that he’d allowed himself to become distant, but until this moment he hadn’t realised just how much he’d missed her.  
Settling behind her he knelt on the ground and rocked her back and forth while she cried and held on tight. She was the strongest person he’d ever known and to see her like this…

“S'okay,” he whispered as he pressed soft nuzzling kisses into her hair. “S'okay…”

His words only made Carol sob harder and she shook her head, trying to tell him that it wasn’t okay… it would never be okay again but she couldn’t get the words out.  
Daryl held onto her for what seemed like an eternity until her sobs slowly died away into soft hiccups. He knew that whatever has caused her to break down like this had something to do with their time apart but he wasn’t going to push her, not yet.

Moving his body backwards so he could sit against the wall, he tugged her with him and held on tight as she shifted slightly so she could lean into his chest and nestle her head beneath his chin. He’d never felt this close to anyone before, not like this. He’d never been tender or kissed another person like this or wanted to make someone else feel better.  


“Ya ain’t gotta talk,” he told her softly, his words lost in her hair. “Unless ya wanna.”

She shook her head against him and closed her eyes. This was the last thing she'd wanted to do. If only he had left her alone she could have dealt with this by herself but now it was too late. Taking a breath she swallowed the lump constricting her throat and slowly felt the tears starting to die away to leave her feeling raw and more exposed that she had ever felt before.

Daryl's fingers threaded through her greying locks and she felt herself relax against him. His heartbeat was steady beneath her ear and his arms kept her locked in his secure embrace until she finally found the strength to open her eyes.

"I don’t…" she whispered through the tightness in her throat.

Daryl sighed heavily but tightened his arms around her, refusing to release his hold on her. "Ya need to tell someone."

Carol shook her head against him when a stray tear trickled down her face. "They all have enough to worry about."

"Nothin’ like whatever this is," he told her softly as guilt weighed heavily over his heart. Placing a soft kiss onto her head he traced his fingertips up and down her back, trying to soothe her with his touch. It felt so natural… touching her and kissing her like this. If only he had known. If only he hadn’t spent so much time away.

Carol swallowed the lump in her throat as she wrapped her arms around him. "We… never really spoke after…Beth's death."

Daryl slammed his eyes shut and tugged her tighter against him. How many times had he seen her staring off into space over the last few weeks and just shaken off his worries? How could he leave her now?

"'M sorry," he whispered into her hair as he nuzzled her temple. "I shoulda been here."

“No you shouldn’t…" she whispered softly, sorrow gravelling her throat making her voice hoarse. “You’re hurting as much as I am.”

"I know this ain’t just about Beth," he told her as he slowly manoeuvred her backwards so he could look down at her but she wouldn’t meet his gaze. "I ain’t stupid... I saw the look on ya face when Asskicker started walkin’."

Carol tried to control the shaking that desperately tried to permeate her body, but she fought it with everything she possessed. She was still unwilling to show her vulnerability, even to the man who was holding her so tightly. She knew her voice would betray her turmoil, so she kept silent, still unsure of what she should say to him. Would he hate her if she told him what she had done? Would he see her like she saw herself… a monster in a woman’s body?

“I… didn’t think anyone noticed…”

“Well I did,” he told her with a groan as he shifted a little to ease the dull ache that was starting to niggle in his lower back.

Carol pulled away slightly and regarded him, concern forming in her eyes. “Are you okay?”

“’M fine… just not used ta stuff like this,” he told her honestly as he waved his hand between them.

Swallowing hard, Carol slowly disengaged her arms from around his body and immediately missed his warmth but when she tried to move away he snagged her wrist to stop her.  


“I didn’ say I didn’ like it.”

Carol’s mouth opened and closed as she fought to find something to say, but before she could form a sentence he was pushing himself up off of the floor and taking her up with him. Their eyes locked, each of them speaking in silent communication of trust, adoration… and something else that neither was willing to admit right now. In that one moment an unspoken understanding passed between them, the sheer force of those feelings spurring them forwards.

Daryl manoeuvred her towards the empty bed and slowly pushed her down to sit on the edge of the mattress. This was all so foreign to him, he’d never felt so connected to another human being before and even though he was driven by his own instincts he was terrified of the feelings she stirred within him.

Wordlessly he watched as she slipped her shoes off before she eased herself backwards to lie down on the bed. He had no idea what he was doing but he knew that she needed him to take control and set the boundaries for whatever this was. Stepping away from her side of the bed he could already feel her eyes on him as she silently watched his movements… she too trying to fathom what this really all meant.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he stopped at the other side of the bed and watched her for any sign that his presence wasn’t welcome here. His eyes met hers once more, the intensity of their gaze causing him to catch his breath. Never before had he been looked upon with such trustful, adoring eyes. In that one moment he knew that this was right.

Shrugging off his vest he allowed it to fall down his arms and onto the floor at his feet. The movements seemed almost symbolic and it gave him the courage to continue with his task as his hands slipped to the buckle of his belt, unclasping the buckle with trembling fingers. When he’d released the buckle he pulled the leather free and dropped it beside the vest, only registering when the buckle dropped with a clunk onto the carpet.

Lifting his gaze back to hers he could see the complete adoration that shone from her eyes and he suddenly felt his mouth grow dry. This wasn’t some kind of first time crap… it was so much more than that. 

Moving closer towards the bed he sank down onto the edge of the mattress and pulled off his boots. His eyes lingered over the things he’d discarded and for a moment he almost lost his nerve, but when he heard her soft voice whispering his name it gave him all the courage he needed. Easing himself backwards he laid beside her on the bed, not too close but not too far apart either. He had no idea what they were doing but he didn’t want to be anywhere else but with her right now.

He kept his eyes focused on the ceiling as he reached across the empty space between them to lay a tentative hand against her stomach, fanning his fingers wide as her warmth seeped into his skin. His heart was thundering so loudly inside his chest that he was sure she could hear it… he had no idea what they were doing here…

Carol closed her eyes and tried to calm her breathing as she lifted her arm to slide her hand across his on her stomach. Opening her fingers she wrapped them around his digits, the roughness of his skin causing her heart to race. Turning her head she drank in his features, her eyes following every line on his weathered skin. He was a beautiful man, even though she knew he would scoff at her for even thinking such a thing… but he was.

She wanted to tell him everything. She wanted to unleash this heaviness she carried around with her but she swallowed the words back before they could escape from her lips, instead settling for a soft “Thank you.”

Her voice caused something to stir within him and he turned his head to gaze upon her with worried eyes. Carol was the strongest woman he’d ever known and only a short time ago she had been reduced to tears over something that had been eating away at her for so long. Taking courage from his feelings he untangled their fingers and moved his arm upwards, inviting her with his silent invitation to move closer to his side of the bed.

Silently she shifted a little closer, turning onto her side before settling her head against his chest. She could feel the steady thrum of his heartbeat echoing beneath her ear, the sound giving her courage to slip her arm around his body as she settled against him.

Daryl inclined his head, scanning her soft features in the moonlight. Even now he could see her eyes drifting closed as she melted into him. Lowering his arm he slid it around her shoulders and pulled her in closer to his body as he tried to heal her with his touch.

No words were spoken as they laid together in the darkness, neither of them willing to speak of what this was or where they were heading. Instead they just held each other tightly, relishing the closeness between them while they waited for the blissful pull of sleep to claim them…

End


End file.
